Sweet Valley High the Musical – my idea – an 80’s ode to what could’ve been ….featuring wacky songs from some musical bombs


 

 

    Okay so if you’re anything like me , you can’t wait for the Sweet Valley High movie , in fact you’ve got your own ideas and visuals flopping about in your head. And if you haven’t heard – I’ll break it to you fast – it’s going to be a musical. Feel free to groan as I did. A musical in this day n age? Some of you however,  might be going perfect – thinking Glee , Mama Mia , Camp Rock , Enchanted. Others share my shudder – especially if you’re a movie glutton and have feasted your ears upon the sonorous ( snore-ous? ) catastrophes of the 80’s. I decided to pique my imagination by delving into some junk movies of that era just to see how low Sweet Valley High could sink  – well if they wind up where The Pirate Movie’s greatest bomb lies – at the bomb of the ocean with animated fish!

            For fun lets piece a Sweet Valley High musical using these wacky moments from some of the 80’s most splashiest musicals – splashy as in belly-flops.

        In no real order – just enjoy!

 

    How about giving Lila Fowler a song – or at least a great entrance – since she’s SVH’s reigning queen b*tch /witch – why not Teen Witch’s Finest Hour with Robyn Lively ( whose sporting the world’s best 80’s perm! ) Wouldn’t it be like Lila thinking witchcraft could be the only way of usurping Jessica of her recent hunk. Even though the song has the titular witch tossing out her talisman upon discovering she’s charming enough on her own. Groan! sorry couldn’t resist the pun. I have a feeling Lila would’ve hung onto it.

Lila Fowler as the Haughty Teen Witch

    If sex ever becomes an issue in the new Sweet Valley High lets hope they give Jessica a catchy tune like this toe tapper from Pia Zadora in Voyage of the Rock Aliens – this john is jumping!

Jessica Wakefield as Pia Zadora Sweet Valley High Musical

    How about one for the entire cheerleading squad of SVH – which could have Cara , Jessica , Maria ( okay she’s a little boring ) , Robin and easy Annie ‘practicing’ their new hyper- monotonous cheer – I like Boys! – in their undies , in the girls locker room.

    A ballad for Todd and Liz is a definite must – something saucy , something corny , something so bodaciously over the top – Your made for me from the disco bomb – The Apple. Because it’s suits Todd so well – not the psychedelic triangle on the forehead – no , but his he-man notion of Liz belonging to him – meanwhile he can check out every backup singer in the bunch – err maybe not the transvestites.

Elizabeth Wakefield in the Apple

    This next movie has a great rockin song- Ain’t no way to Treat a Lady – perfect if Bruce grew rat tails and joined the Droids. However, what I most love about this is the poster – ( which on a footnote didn’t have the star Catherine Mary Stewart on it – just an obscure busty model?! ) – check out the selling note – which perfectly describes what would happen if you threatened to take out one of Jessica’s numbers! 
( the song for this one starts about 6:02  – note there’s some strong language towards the end as some mouthy girl interrupts the fun. Boo! )        

Jessica on the cover of the lowbudget Scene from a goldmine_edited-1

    Depending on how ‘wild’ they allow Jessica to get one doubts she’s ever be playing chicken astride two cars like Ariel in Footloose , nor do I believe Todd will have a rock-out, dancing by himself moment like Ren , and Lila won’t shake her booty to Dancin’ in the sheets – though that,  I’d like to see! How about since we never got to see the SVH gangs feet for all the early covers – why not the footloose opening with our high school gang , romping and stomping through this energetic song – and along the way see if you can’t spot – Lila’s heels , from Winston’s ratty sneakers , to Jessica’s legwarmers to – well you decide.        

Jessica Wakefield and Bruce Patman - Footloose - for Sweet Valley Musical

    How about a childhood flashback to Jessica once more skipping out on the daily chores which could have Liz belting out – Hard Knock Life from Annie. Although I doubt she’d be as hearty a gymnast – nobody could slide down those stairs and scrub at the same time like Pepper!

 

    Let’s not forget some spontaneous rooftop dancing – like this one from an obscure movie called Faith – great song but oh those abysmal costumes – hammer pants! How to quickly overdose on the corn-content – have one dancer act like this is way serious.

    Ever think maybe a song from the 80’s might work as long as the lyrics could be tweaked just a little I mean especially if we’re talking about a ballad between mortal enemies Bruce and Jessica – So why not Grease’s You’re the One that I Want – turned into You’re the one that I hate. Too mean? Okay You’re the one that I loath.

Jessica Wakefield and Bruce Patman in Grease

 

    Nobody backs Brucie Baby into a corner – of all the songs in Dirty Dancing – I pick Love is Strange – which could sum up any pair in the kooky corners of SVH.

Bruce and Jessica

    This next movie is a buffet of lovable bad songs and so suitable – Liz could be secretly wishing for a Cool Rider – oh Todd , repurchase your blazing motorcycle Sweet Liz wants to make a come back!

    Or Liz could find out gasp! Todd has been drafted – and Todd ever the opportunist lures Liz to a bomb shelter to scare her about the prospects of dying without ever doing it – so for the honor of the country , show your Americanism Liz , no apple pie will cut it -Let’s Do it for our country!

    Oh and this heh heh! Watch and picture preppy Bruce cutting loose at the most ungrooviest place the bowl-a-rama sliding down alleys and wailing and singing about scoring! Oh and picture Lila as Paulette it’s a scream! and she needs a good goofy part.

    So do you see how outrageous this could get? Well ,worse comes to worse it’ll be fun no matter what – good luck Jess !

    Why thank you

Jessica Taking a bow

    Now, don’t be taking your bows just yet sister!

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